For high school seniors, October is the second month of their thirteenth year of classwork, homework and projects. As the first full month of autumn, it bursts with a tapestry of red, gold and green eye candy, fall sports, frosty Friday Night football games and their very last Homecoming weekend.
On the flip side, October twangs students’ nerves with the not so much fun Eeny Meeny Miny Mo College Choice game. Of course, this means filling out applications and completing compelling essays that will move their files to the Acceptance Pile. Seniors who met the November 1st early decision deadline, still have to choose a back-up school or two although their peers who are facing a January to March cutoff date are still stress-free breathing. For most students, though, Fall is synonymous with turmoil, tears, and tiffs with parents instead of goalposts, gowns and nature’s gold.
Students are not the only victims of the Frazzled Fall Syndrome (FFS). Parents endure sleepless nights and migraine days juggling the Our Choice vs. His/Her Choice balls along with those labeled College Costs, Travel Expenses and Empty Nest Syndrome.
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My husband and I survived FFS from the early to mid-nineties with our daughter and son. Kim fell in love with James Madison University on an golden autumn Saturday morning when we parked by the bluestone dorms with a view of the football field and the band practicing for that afternoon’s game. “This is the one,” she said, her eyes shining with visions of football weekends.
My husband was pushing for William and Mary, though, since Kim exceeded their criteria and because it had a strong national reputation. He felt this name recognition would be a major benefit for Kim when she started job hunting. A few weekends later, Kim and I were on our way to Reston Town Center for a shopping break. At a stoplight on Monroe and Elden Streets, she sighed and said, “Dad wants me to go to William and Mary. I don’t want to go to a school where kids carry text books to basketball games.”
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“So talk with him about this,” I said. “You’re the one who has to spend four years there, not him.” She did, and he said, “That’s fine. You have to feel comfortable where you are going.”
As a senior English teacher for fifteen years, I listened to hundreds of stories where the students and parents disagreed on the perfect college choice. Two causes of contention were- Type of School: Public vs. Private, Ivy League vs. Almost Ivy or Liberal vs. Conservative,and Location: In-State vs. Out of State, East Coast vs. West Coast and North vs. South.
But the two conflicts that caused students’ tears to surge, their jaws to clench with stress, and their faces to petrify with stubbornness were the, “I don’t want to go to college but my parents say I have to,” and the, “If I don’t agree to their choice of school, they say they won’t pay for college” arguments.
Since the underlying theme of most conflicts, be they fictional or real is, “The lack of communication leads to tragedy,” here are three proposals that should avert hurtful disagreements that might strain familial relationships. They will ease open those jammed discussion doors that may slam shut when the word College is uttered.
· Listen, really listen, to each other. Don’t discount any explanation just because it does not support yours.
Parents
1. When a reason behind your senior’s choice just does not fit your family’s situation, explain why in enough detail to support your decision without invading your privacy.
2. If your child does not feel ready to go to college- do not force him/her to. If you do, you might as well light a match to that tuition check because Jack or Jill will be miserable and moving home after the first semester.
3. Even though your senior might not say so, he/she wants and needs your support. Remember that this child might not like the college that you loved, might not have any desire to attend a school that you wish you had been able to, or is not in competition with any other high school senior.
Students
1. Make sure that your motives are backed by sound judgments, i.e. the school offers the most comprehensive classes for your major, or the atmosphere is relaxed academic vs. rigid academic. Just because a particular campus is your BFF’s first choice, is a major force in college football, or is a social dynamo is not a good enough reason for Dad and Mom to write a five-figure check.
2. If you are absolutely sure that you won’t be ready to handle moving to a four-year school, be honest about this-with your parents and with yourself. A fear of change is not a good enough reason. Feeling more academically and socially comfortable attending a community college, though, is justifiable and fair to your parents’ bank account. If you’d rather join the military or choose any other post-high school path, talk to your parents about this.
3. If you are adamant about attending a school your parents do not choose to pay for, be willing to support your preference with scholarships, loans and holding down a job while you attend classes. Maybe, when they see your happiness with your choice and your responsibility in making it happen, they might offer some economic aid. Be willing to accept and respect their decision, however, no matter what it is.
· Agree to disagree but be willing to compromise. Unbending attitudes that choose not to respect others’ rationales will slam those discussion doors shut and weaken the foundation of your relationship with each other. Understand that this choice will always be a give and take situation.
· Respect each other’s intentions. This whole college vision is not new, but has existed for years, probably since kindergarten. Without a doubt, parents and teenagers, you have put a lot of thought into what should happen after graduation. All of your ideas, thoughts, positions and feelings have merit. Respect them.
Frazzled Fall Syndrome is unavoidable.
Can it be contained? Yes.
Can the parent/teenager bond be kept from fraying? Yes.
Can you all survive this stress? Yes.
Communicate: Talk often…talk honestly… talk openly. Just talk!
Until next week,
Connie
teachitwrite.blogspot.com
(College graphic: Microsoft)
