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Blog 2: The White Cane - The New Life

In my last post I gave you a taste of the anger, fear and anxiety I was feeling with my new life. Normally, when we think of the word new we think happy thoughts.  Hey, I got a new home, new car, new outfit, etc.

The word new did not come as a happy thought when the mobility instructor handed me the new white cane.  When I was handed that thing I had a mental head spin of the DMV taking my license away and me having to hand over the keys to my beloved XTERRA.  

I did not want to travel with this cane.  I can honestly tell you it served as a spear several times.  I would be walking and just out of such anger throw that thing as hard as I could and collapse on the ground in a fit of tears and sobs.  

My pain was primal and my anger uncontrollable. The only way I could even tolerate getting back up is telling myself that I had died and this is the person that would now inhibit this body that betrayed me.  My own body!  I remember sitting on the ground looking up at this complete stranger and saying, How the hell is this going to be alright?  I feel violated and I can never escape from it. It haunts me every second of my life. 

My mobility instructor looked at me, handed me my cane, and said it will take time for you to heal.  I can say that listening to those words my only thought was Death has to be better.

I share this with you as it is true and in no way sugar coated.  I wanted you to feel the anger I used as fuel to get to where I am today.  You see anger does serve a purpose in our lives.  It can be a driver, but we need to learn how to channel it to benefit us and not to hurt other or ourselves. When I stood up I grabbed the cane and said for just 5 minutes I will not let you define me.  I will not let you make me think I am less of a person; I will not let you own me.  Yes, I talked to an object like this, but to me it was an unwelcome intruder. 

 You know those 5 minutes were helpful in gaining some sort of composure.  I can¹t say peace as this did not exist with me and as a Christian, God was an enemy.  He could have stopped this but He did not save me.  He had left me just as my Faith was growing in Him. I now know that this is not true and that He was Everything that kept me from hitting rock bottom, but, when you cannot see an end in sight you feel so alone.

This is a feeling we all experience in our lives. Yes, our circumstances are different, but the outcome the same.  I want to leave this with you on this lovely August afternoon.  You are not defined by your outside circumstances, no matter how difficult they may be.  It may not be the life you chose, but honestly, who does get to pick their life path?  If you have been able to pick you life path, please share with all of us!  Smiles! 

Inside is what defines you and your Faith.  We all have Faith in something and that is what motivates us to claw ourselves out of the darkness and towards what?  Well, we don¹t know. All we know is it is better than where we are when rock bottom has taken us out of what was our happy place. 

Of course I can¹t leave this on a sad note:  I traded in that white cane for a sweet guide dog and as for the white cane???  I lost it at Costco about a month back and ordered a hot pink and purple one!  Those colors suit me much better!!