Blog 4: When the Dam Breaks

In loving memory of Charles Bruce, you are always in my heart.”

I want to ask you a thought provoking question, Have you ever felt guilty or anxious for allowing yourself to feel a drop of happiness in the midst of pain and suffering?

In my previous post I gave myself permission to “let go” and be the person I was before the lights went out.  What I did not tell you is that soon thereafter I became frightened and extremely guilty.  These emotions caught me off guard. I had an internal battle with myself and it went something like this, “That Melody is dead”  “Blindness took any happiness out and you are miserable”  “how on earth could you even laugh!  Aren’t you taking this seriously?” 

Then I realized the depth of this battle…I was protecting myself as I was living in fear of what this “new life” held.  It was like I needed answers!  My first question, and honestly, still at times now, Why?  Why the hell did this happen to me?  How am I going to figure this out when it takes me a ton of concentration to walk back to my dorm? 

My therapist at this time told me I am suffering a loss and we went through all the stages and how I will toggle through them and all this… as you can guess I was in no mood for “steps”

So, my resolve was to pack up the happy thoughts and clam up tighter than before.  The next day it was the same song and dance…get up, get dressed, and focus on the tasks at hand with zero emotion.  I felt like a walking stone. 

I entered my computer class and found that I was the only student that day.  One was out sick and the other wanted extra time in typing class.  For some reason this made me angry as I did not want to be the center of Jaws training today.  Jaws is a screen-reading software that allows a person without sight to interact with the computer using speech.  It takes a while to learn the application if you are a mouse user as you is strictly keyboard.  Also, a Jaws does not read graphics so no more checking out my favorite trends online!

My instructor was merrily chatting with a colleague about his daughter’s wedding plans and what the weekend had in store for him.  I remember thinking that it would be so nice to have a conversation like this.  When he finally came over he looked at me and said, “You need chocolate.”   I can tell something is bugging you.  Mr. Bruce always started class with chocolate.  I told him I did not want any…the truth was I wanted the entire bowl and cry like a baby.  I could hear and feel the concern in his gentle voice.  For the first time I realized that Charles was in a chair as his voice was always in line with mine.  I never noticed it before, but when I did I then knew he was in a wheelchair.  I felt selfish for not paying attention to this before, but brushed it off as he was so happy and I was a zombie.

We got started right where we left off last week. Today, we were going to spend the next 30 minutes learning about “spell check”. Yes, you got it right…30 minutes!  This is a 1 second point and click thing!  All I could do to keep myself from breaking was dig my nails in my palms until I had to release them to type.

I started typing the sentences that Mr. Bruce read to me.  When the paragraph was complete we moved into spell check.  He started explaining how I was going to use my F7 key and the dialogue box will spring to life with all my misspelled words.  Then he continued… “Now, you will shift/tab to read the pain (in my head I could “see” the mis-spelled word with the red zig zag) and the suggested changes to the right of it.  Then after this you select the word you want.  From here, select ALT + C for “change….”

I left his next words hanging as at this point my dam exploded with uncontrollable sobs and raw emotions.  Tears came with such force and anger was a volcano of destruction!  I screamed “F*Ck Spell Check!”  I hate spell check!  I hate being blind and I want to die right now in this chair! 

Mr. Bruce, gingerly went over to his classroom door closed it, wheeled over with a drink and the bowl of chocolate.  He let me sob and when I began to hyperventilate he gently rubbed my back and let me cry on his shoulder.

When I got my self to a crying place he calmly looked at me, whipped a tear and said this, “I have never had anyone hate spell check so much in my life.”   As I write this to you I giggle…as this man had me freaking out to hysterical giggles with a flip of a switch.

He asked me if it was alright if he made a call to my next instructor to let her know I would be spending the rest of the day with him.  He brought more tissues and said, “Lessons are over We are going to chat.”  He said, “No, you are going to eat all the chocolate, drink, and listen…” I was good with this plan. 

He told me the story of his accident over 20 years ago and how he loss the use of his legs, he told me about how he pushed on and kept finding purposes in life.  I was listening with every Hershey’s Crunch I consumed.  Then, he became an Instructor for the blind.  He told me of his daughter Liza and how she lost her vision…he told me about her personality, vibrant, loving, and free-spirited…he told me the pain of not being able to stop it for her.  It was with this he became Charles to me.  No more formalities…this man became a father figure to me in a place of misery.

After Charles told me all about Liza he asked me if I wanted to talk to her.  I could have screamed, “Yes!” but I think I was 3 deep on the Hershey kisses…

Once I pulled myself together I was on the phone with a voice that was as free spirited as an Angel and this was the first step in my walk with blindness…

At the beginning of this blog you note my father figure passed away this year.  He still lives on in his daughter who is my friend, sister, and coach.  Tears touch my face as I think about both of their unconditional love for a stranger. That day, they helped place the first log of hope and strength back on my personal dam.

I can promise you if you are in a situation where your dam is about to break,  it WILL be re-built and no one can tell you the time or place, but what I can tell you is this…it may not look like the dam you were used to, but it does not have too.  Make it yours and own your happiness.  As a friend told me yesterday…give yourself permission to feel and let it go…Pray to God for guidance and rest in a better tomorrow.