Wardrobe (Zipper) Malfunction

What is with these people, specifically these famous men with really great women who can't seem to keep their zipper from malfunctioning.  

Ok Arnold. Ten years ago you fathered a child with a domestic who worked long term for your family. To add insult to injury the child was born in the same week that a child you fathered with your wife was born. You had a loving and supportive wife, who even stalled her career for your benefit, and four great kids. Really?

Tiger. He was married to a super model for God's sake and two beautiful children, and he felt the need to look elsewhere for other women, because why? Who the hell knows.

Sandra Bullock and Jesse James—although Sandra, not sure if you were doing a good job shopping in the first place for this guy...

Even Mel Gibson, for as much as he appears certifiable these days, at least I had a certain amount of respect for him way back when because he seemed to be a happily married family man—especially by Hollywood standards. And then, he felt the need to step out on his wife and have a love child of his own.

These kinds of stories make me a little crazy. Not sure why we don't hear as many stories like this about women—maybe they just don't get caught, who knows? I can remember a dear friend of mine being frustrated with Desperate Housewives thinking that real life isn't like that at all with people having affairs all over the place, but I think the truth is often stranger than fiction, and if I were a betting woman would even venture to say that real life is probably even worse than what you see on TV. There always was and always will be temptation and lust, it's a matter of what you do with those feelings that make a difference.

I can always appreciate a fine specimen of a man, just as my husband can certainly appreciate a good looking woman, but would I act on those feelings? Probably not likely, because I wouldn't want to jeopardize my marriage. Over 15 years ago when we were going through our marriage prep classes for our wedding with our priest, we had to go over together answer by answer a compatibility test. We passed with flying colors, except in one area—we both "failed" the section on cheating. We both responded that we could never be able to forgive a spouse for cheating.

I think I would never be able to trust my spouse again, and that it would ruin the rest of my marriage. I hear stories of folks that do forgive, and I don't know how that's possible. Maybe they both cheat on each other, and put them on the same ground, who knows? We both have had suitors that were unfaithful, so we can rely on our experience that it taints things for the rest of your relationship.

Our priest counseled us that it is possible to forgive for such a transgression, but I have my doubts. Tom has often said if I ever cheated don't expect him to hang around, and I knew that from the get go, so I would know pretty certainly what kind chance I'd be taking if I were to ever act on my wandering eye.  I'm pretty sure he knows the same would probably be true in the reverse.

Does not anyone believe in the sanctity of marriage at all these days? I know the divorce rates are off the charts with a 50/50 chance of you going down, but I think several things about marriage in general.

I think one of the reasons that people get divorced is that they don't really know one another before they sign the dotted line.  Some people are surprised that their partner really didn't want kids, for example.  Or didn't know how the other dealt with money before hand. Or the classic, hmm, I thought I could change them, and boom, I guess I can't.  

I think also many times that people don't try and grow together with their spouses as they get older. People do change and mature and with different life experiences, tend to look at life differently.  I think sometimes people "wake up" 20 years later and find that they don't really know their significant other any more.

Although by all means, I know that there are no guarantees. I think marriage is very hard work. My husband and I have definitely had our differences of opinions and some major battles. We've also been through some very emotional times with the loss of our two babies and the tenuous life of our first born at birth. I really think that those times made us closer because we worked through them together.

We both have our shortcomings, but I think we knew of most of them before we got married. I knew full well that I'd never change his habits that I found annoying. I'm certain Tom finds many of the things that I do drive him insane, but he knew most of them going in as well, and it's unlikely that he felt he could change those habits.

I've always admired my sister and her husband for making time in their very busy two career household for dating each other. I have tried very hard to follow this example. But it's hard. Very hard. Sometimes as the stress of family life and work can slowly suck up all of your free time. Many times I tease Tom after having a quiet moment at the table with him that I miss him—even though he may have been physically present and even working from home—because so many times we are together but both extremely immersed in whatever we are doing.

I don't pretend to think that divorce should never happen. Many times the safety of the spouse or children make that the only option for some people—in this scenario though, I'm pretty sure that there probably signs that trouble was brewing sometime before they were married. I'd have to guess that control  freak, or over possessive traits were exhibited in their behavior pre-marriage.

I do also know that sometimes people are so miserable, and stay with the spouse for the sake of kids, or whatever. This also is not healthy, as if they aren't happy, then more than likely the kids won't be happy either, and it's probably in everyone's best interest to move on.  But I feel that every possible avenue, to include counseling, should be exhausted before you actually make the split.  

If you were happy at some point, there must have been qualities that you saw in each other to make them worthwhile. But if you are having problems, I think that they should be addressed as soon as possible, and not wait until the other is blindsided by the other's request for divorce, not even realizing the other is unhappy.  If you really want to cheat on your spouse, I think it would be much healthier to tell your spouse you are unhappy first and get a divorce if need be.

So keep talking to your spouse. I'm thankful every day that one of the reasons that I married my husband was because I knew I could talk to him about anything. And we do. That, and the fact that he always could make me laugh and smile. With those two things on our side, I'm hoping we have what it takes to go the distance.

Barb Welsh has lived in Herndon for about 12 years and has two sons aged 9 and 11. She is a member of the Herndon Patch Mom's Council and regularly blogs at www.obsessmuch.com