Later this month, my wife and I will celebrate our 25th wedding anniversary. According to today’s standards, our marital longevity is somewhat unusual. I believe that makes me an expert on the subject and I’d like to share my wedded wisdom with you.
So, for your matrimonial reading pleasure, I offer you...
The 25 Things I have Learned from A Quarter Century of Marriage*
(*To the Same Person)
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1. When your father-in-law gives you a ride to the airport after the wedding and says, “Have fun on your honeymoon,” he’s thinking about a different kind of fun than you are.
2. If you’re still in the first six months of your marriage, it’s not a good idea to say to your spouse, “Do you ever wonder if you married the right person?”
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3. If you ask your wife if she would fix your lunch for work every day and she just laughs, that means “no.”
4. If you have children, your wife will focus on them more than she does on you. It’s normal. Unless your children are 40 years old. Then, there’s a problem.
5. When your children are young and they cry in the middle of the night, yoga can help you slow down your breathing so your wife will think you’re asleep and that you don’t hear the crying.
6. Never let your children sleep in your bed, no matter how much they cry, because they’ll just get used to it. Then, when they get married and have children of their own, it will get really crowded in your bed.
7. If you’re wife asks you if a certain piece of clothing makes her look fat, you should always be honest. I simply say, “No. That dress does not make you look fat. That sleeve of Oreo cookies you ate last night? That makes you look fat.”
8. It’s important to take a time out when you get angry with your spouse. Come back to the discussion later after you’ve cooled down. Remember, a five minute walk is much cheaper than broken mirrors, holes in your drywall, and the cheap hotels where you will be asked to sleep when you lose your temper.
9. Always remember that lingerie from Victoria’s Secret can be an exciting gift but lingerie from Frederick’s of Hollywood is just irritating.
10. Never say that you are listening when you really aren’t. There will be a test.
11. Surprise your wife occasionally with breakfast in bed. Just remember to put the Egg McMuffin on a plate for a nice touch of elegance.
12. Asking for directions when you’re lost violates the Male Code of Conduct, Item 47-R. However, it’s not even listed in the Female Code of Conduct. So, it is acceptable when in mixed company.
13. Giving your wife flowers for no particular reason is a wonderful way to express your love.
14. Giving your wife flowers for no particular reason, for the first time, during your 23rd year of marriage, requires a lot of explaining.
15. Looking at other women at the beach is only acceptable if you are wearing sunglasses and can keep your head completely still.
16. Even when said in a humorous context, the phrase “old ball and chain” is not particularly amusing to your spouse.
17. The statute of limitations on bringing up a comment you filed away from a previous argument is one week. Unless, of course, your spouse breaks the statute first. Then, feel free to open the file and dig deep.
18. If you invest the same amount of time in maintaining your marriage as you do maintaining your automobile, you’re less likely to experience a breakdown and have to sleep in your car.
19. If one of you prefers to squeeze the toothpaste tube from the bottom and the other prefers to squeeze from the middle, the best solution is to buy two tubes of toothpaste.
20. If you refer to your marriage as a life sentence, you may get a death sentence.
21. As your wife ages, consider purchasing a remote control for the thermostat. You won’t complain so much about changing it to heat and then back to cool every five minutes. Plus, it’s much easier on your knees.
22. Men do not understand women’s clothing. So, a gift card for her favorite store is a much better gift than a dress that’s eight sizes too big.
23. Shoes do not mate and multiply. To suggest this is insulting to your wife’s avocation.
24. Opening a car door for your wife is considered chivalrous. Closing the door on her leg because you were talking on your cell phone will come up in numerous conversations later.
25. After 25 years of marriage, I can confidently say (and I think my wife would agree), I am the lucky one!
* Editor's note: This original byline on this article was incorrect. It was written by Ronald Culberson.