Holland is The Netherlands and Vice Versa

International travel intimidates me.

As comedian Steve Martin once said, other countries “have a different word for everything.” 

I’m always afraid I’ll find myself in a foreign land needing a bathroom or surgery to replace a kidney where no one speaks English. Is it too much to ask for other countries to adopt English as their primary language? I don’t think so. It’s the American way.

And on top of language issue, it’s hard to find a decent hamburger outside the U.S.

I recently traveled to a conference in Holland, which by the way, is actually called The Netherlands. I had no idea. In fact, I admit that I didn’t really know where The Netherlands was located. I’m not that good at geography. In fact, I thought The Netherlands, similar to other nether things, referred to a region rather than a specific country. I incorrectly associated it with Sweden, Denmark, and the other places where blond people live.

Turns out, Holland is part of the Netherlands but not all of it. Who knew? Yet the people were very accommodating and allowed us to call it The Netherlands, Holland, or even Can’t Dutch This (OK, I made that up). I chose to call it Hollnetherlandia because it sounded cool and expressed my arrogant American individuality.

On my way to Hollnetherlandia, I needed to acquire the proper currency since the Dutch use Euros and we use, well, Ameros. Until the day when other countries decide to adopt the Amero as the universal currency, we must exchange our dollars for paper Euros and coins that look like gold poker chips. And let me just say that in the international market, the Amero is not worth the paper it’s printed on. Unless, of course, you live in a small third-world country where bartering with chickens is still a common practice. 

So I went to the currency exchange booth at the airport not realizing that in the competition for monetary dominance, the exchange rate favored the Dutch. I handed the woman $80 and she gave me a couple of crumpled Euro’s and a handful of coins. I checked the rate board and the Amero rate started with a decimal and ended with lots of zeros. I would have to use my Euros sparingly or I’d run out. So I decided to use my credit card for most purchases. That way, it was cheaper.

The seven-hour flight was uneventful and I arrived at Schipol Airport where I had arranged for a driver to take me to the hotel. Coincidentally, there were three other Americans going to the same conference. So, we shared the cost of the car. Yes, we went Dutch. You gotta love that.

The drive to the hotel in Noordwijk was lovely and we saw dozens of beautiful tulip fields. This is what the Hollnetherlandians are known for. Well, that and windmills. And, wooden shoes, of course. But the flowers were the most impressive. There were acres and acres of vibrant color that looked like an impressionist painting. And with field after field of flowers, the cumulative pollen content was even stronger than the Euro. If you plan to travel to Hollnetherlandia during tulip season, I suggest you bring your own antihistamine. Otherwise you’ll use up all your Euros on the first day. And believe me, that’s nothing to sneeze at.

Another impressive sight we witnessed was hundreds of children bicycling to school. The driver informed us that there are no school buses in Hollnetherlandia. So everyone has a bike. How great is this? Government forced healthiness. So, not only was their money strong, so were their children.

The only disappointment in Hollnetherlandia was the food. The Dutch love their deep fried potatoes (steak fries) and bread. My first lunch was a sandwich. So were the second and third. And the sandwiches were big on roll and little on anything else. Now don’t get me wrong, I love me some carbs. But I don’t typically order carbs on carbs with a side order of carbs. But maybe there’s a cultural reason for all the carbs. Perhaps tulip pollen leads to a carb deficiency and the Dutch are actually on the cutting edge of medical culinary science.

As a people, the Hollnetherlandians were delightful. They were friendly, accommodating, and almost all of them spoke English. It reminded me of home where almost half of the people in the U.S. speak English.

The Dutch culture was very relaxed and nothing seemed rushed. It was a nice break from the hectic pace of America where being on time is being late and most people are too busy to smile or stop for a chat.

I hope to return to Hollnetherlandia sometime. And when I do, I’m going to visit Amsterdam. Apparently, there are some great “coffee” bars in Amsterdam and the window-shopping in the red light district is unmatched.

But I think I’ll wait for the Amero to get a little stronger before I go back. That way, I’ll get my Euro’s worth.